Things I want

I want a lot of things from life.

I want one person who I can talk to anytime I want, whenever I want, and whatever I want. Someone who listens to all my jibber jabber thinking “Aww… she is so adorable even with all that BS.”

I want that person, who puts up with my annoying snores, to be snuggled up in my bed every night. When I wake up I want to begin my day by cuddling him in bed and telling him how well I slept.

While getting ready for work, I want to irritate him with my incessant questioning about which dress wouldn’t make me look fat.

On reaching office I want to inform him of having reached safely and wish him a good day at work.

When my boss yells at me, I want to call him, cry, and bitch about my boss.

During lunch, I want to ask him if he has eaten of not. Of course, he would’ve. But I still want to do that because that’s my pretext for indirectly telling him that I’m feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people.

I don’t want to be disturbed all afternoon because that’s the time I am in full on work mode. I want him to call me at 6 to ask when I would be leaving for home. I want to call him after I leave from office and tell him how my day was.

On reaching home I simply want to run into him and bury myself in his arms as if his arms were my escape; a shield to protect me from all that is bad in the world. I want us to just be, listen to each other’s silence, feel his warmth, be thankful for his breathing, and meditate on his heart beat.

I want him to smile while I am wrapped up in his arms.

I want to cook him a lovely dinner and watch him eat it while he animately tells me about his day.

I want to just lay listlessly on his lap and watch him engrossed in some boring cricket match on TV.

I want to read a book lying on his tummy while he plays with my hair and does some reading of his own with his other hand.

And when I fall asleep, I want him to pick me up, put me to bed, kiss me good night, and whisper ‘Sweet Dreams!’ in my ear.

I want my day to end with a smile.

That’s all I want.

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My Crime

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I secretly plucked this tiny mango from someone’s “own” Mango tree. After committing the crime I quitely escape from there without anyone noticing.

I could barely control the glee because what I had in my hand was the season’s first mango, and that too stolen!

The adrenaline had only begun to subside when I realized that there was in fact nothing criminal about that act. I mean, how can I feel guilty for plucking a mango from a tree that never agreed upon belonging to someone? The tree never said, I’m gonna generate O2 only for this person because I have feelings like “loyalty.” *Eyes rolling*

A tree is so much higher that this trivial way of thinking.

So selfish, we are, aren’t we?

God, and HIS Ways!

God cannot be everywhere. So He comes in our lives in different forms. In my case, He has come in HIS form.

Whose form, you ask?

Let me tell you something about this form: This form is a man who suffers from a major illness, is on medication of all kinds, and has been going through a tremendous lot of mental, emotional, physical, and financial pressure. Most of his days pass in anticipation that the pain would subside and that he would be able to resume work because that’s what we expect of our men, isn’t it? He isn’t able to give me his full attention, nor is he a good communicator because he is always preoccupied with his illness and other problems. So, you see, his plate is full.

Nonetheless, he is also a man who deeply cares, immensely feels, accurately understands, generously gives, responsibly protects, is wholeheartedly devoted, and is an epitome of pure patience. You should see how his face lights up when little saplings sprout from the seeds he sows in his farm!

By the time it is 9 pm, he runs out of steam, and is ready to hit the sack. And, I am the last thing on his mind before dozing off. 🙂

He pings me every night around the same time. We chat on BBM for about a few minutes, and eventually fall asleep assuming we are in each other’s arms.

But, today was one of those rare days when he forgets to ping me and falls asleep because of extreme exhaustion or pain.

I am no exception to bad days either. Struggling with depression, being unemployed and penniless, at the same time, really takes it out of you.

So this evening, I was lonelier than usual. I needed to talk to somebody and I wanted that somebody to be him. But he had already fallen asleep. I was in tears. So I left him a BBM message, just in case.

A couple minutes later there was a response. My eyes lit up!

He had woken up from his slumber and, still groggy, apologized for having dozed off. When I told him how lonely and isolated I was feeling, he did the most heart-warming thing ever:

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And I was smiling once again!

He went back to sleep immediately after saying his good-nights. (May he dream of cute puppies and soft kittens!)

God, and HIS ways!

Do You have Regrets?

Let’s consider memory loss.

I went to a movie theatre this evening to watch Maze Runner: The Death Cure. It’s a pretty entertaining sci-fi movie that shows a group of people trying to rescue their friend, Minho, trapped in a facility in a fortified city. Inside the facility, scientists conduct experiments on humans to find a cure for a virus that’s destroyed the human race.

Experiments are conducted on Minho’s brain and body. The experiments are nothing less than torture that exhaust him mentally and physically, and begin to compromise his memory.

In that moment I tried to put myself in his shoes and feel the emotions he was going through.

I ended up feeling scared.

A thought struck me hard: what if we were given a chance to wipe out the memory of an unpleasant and damaging incident?

Would you do it?

Now think about that unpleasant and damaging incident. It created cracks in your soul and your relationships.

What did you learn from it?

Today, you are wiser because you have learnt something through these life experiences. When you learn something, you implement it. It is an action that you take, and our actions define us.

That incident, no matter how it was, has defined you. It has become a part of you. A piece of you. It completes you.

So when I put myself in his shoes, I felt scared, because I felt lost; like I was plunged back into the dark; like I was confused and incomplete; like some parts of me were missing. I felt disappointed that I would have to begin again and that my life was being wasted.

The overwhelming fear and pain made me snap out of the daze immediately. Relief rushed through me. Thank goodness, I was still me!

Good or bad, experiences are precious. Why regret anything?

Be glad that you are living a full life the way it’s meant to be.

Not Anymore.

I’m not scared of being single anymore.

One of the best things about being in the 30s is that you become wiser and calm. You are no more restless. Insecurities about the future start to disappear because it dawns upon you that things will never be served to you on a silver platter; you will have to work for what you want, and the more you work, the better you gain.

But, the most important of all the things that you realize is that there is more to life than love. There is more to life than waiting for someone who may or may not be with you throughout.

I’m like a train. I pass through many places. I halt at some junctions; sometimes longer at some junctions. New people find a way into my heart (only if they’ve bought the ticket). They travel with me for different periods of time, and then get off. They leave a mark on my heart: some with love, and others with hurt. In spite of it, the train keeps going because that’s what it’s meant to do. It slows down in a crowded place, and picks up speed once it is out of the thick of it.

Being single is when you need to pick up the speed, because when someone leaves your hand, you get your hand back.

I have my hand back.

I am not afraid of being more.

Victim, Me.

I was growing up believing that whatever was happening to me, all the painful experiences, was not my fault. I was the victim of an abusive parent. Today, I realise, that this belief dwelling in my mind needs to be evicted.

It took a colleague of mine, and that too 8 years younger than me, to make me realize that I’m living with a victim mindset. 

I’m a victim. That’s what I believe. I don’t know what it is to take control of my life. Perhaps, I would fall apart if I were to be taken out of my living environment. But I do need to get out of it. 

Thinking about it is exhausting.

That feeling of paranoia that the entire world is against me, the notion that everyone is hate worthy, my self-centered attitude, and the constant feeling of sadness and blaming it solely on others, are all symptoms of my victim mentality. No wonder I remain depressed. If this mindset is moulded into positive thinking, I would feel better! It is this simple.

One step at a time

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Aftermath of a Break-Up

The first few weeks after a break-up are the worst. The pain is unbearable. So you try everything within your power to bury that pain with distractions.

A relationship, or the feeling of love, is nothing but a chemical imbalance in your brain. As long as the relationship is present, there is a sufficient amount of chemicals inside your mind to keep you going. Your partner is your support system. But when the support is taken away, you fall. The chemical supply in the brain stops. You go into withdrawal. Symptoms start to show.

What I’m going through is fear, panic, loss of appetite, insomnia, emptiness, rage, loneliness, depression, irrational thoughts, distorted thoughts, and feelings of being powerless.

The most powerful of all the symptoms showing on me is denial. I deny being unhappy. I mask unhappiness by my heightened interest in movies, chocolates & ice creams, sleep, younger guys (because, of course, single guys my age are rare), and solitude.

Flirting makes me feel great. To be precise, the idea of being in a relationship all over again, feels great. I feel like the chemicals are back in my brain. But when I see that they only perceive me as some poor girl who needs attention, I sober up and come to my senses. I realize that flirting for fun or flings would eventually leave me more empty. That realization brings rushing back all the pain of loneliness.

I know I should grieve and mourn, cry and talk about the six year long relationship with someone but all the other not-recommended stuff seems easier to go back to. And since people around me are only curious and not interested in me as a human being, finding empathy in them is like a far-fetched idea. So I keep everything inside and keep going. I guess time will heal all wounds.

Or maybe the wounds would just go sore.

Maybe, this time I’ll ask for a stronger dose of antidepressants. Meds are my support system now. Kudos to the one who invented them.

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