Today

O Road, take me wherever you go.
I don’t wanna look back anymore.
O Road, take me to a new abode,
Far away from all that’s become a bore.

At CCD. Alone.

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that the day would shape up terribly. All I knew was that it would be just another day of tolerating my father’s existence in the house.

He wants me to get married, and has been pressuring me using different tactics. Apparently, he is the drama queen in the family. Now I know where I get my dramatic streak from. When day before yesterday I refused to take a look at guys he had found me online, he did something, he had never done before. He locked himself in my brother’s old room for 2 days; didn’t eat or watch news on TV, which he normally does all day long, as he is unemployed. I have no idea why he doesn’t take up a job.

This morning he confronted me again about marriage. Of course, he won’t let it go! It’s the question of his reputation, after all. What would the society think of him if his 28 year old daughter was still unmarried?

I am a self made independent person who is averse to the idea of marriage. A life tainted with disturbed childhood, witnessing of domestic violence, emotional, physical, psychological abuse, and the pain of abandonment, can never have a normal adulthood, unless some miraculous force intervenes.

I’m an individual with a set of ideals and beliefs. I have made a good life out of whatever I could muster. I earn well, feed and take care of myself. But my father has a blind spot when it comes to this.

So what do I do now? Marry a guy of his choice, someone who is exactly like him, who would kill my spirit and sanity like he did to my mom? “Of course, not,” is what I told him.

Marriage is not the aim of human existence. It’s an institution constructed by the society for people who want to spend their lives together. I haven’t found my soulmate, nor have I found myself. My calling lies in finding and exploring my true potential while traveling and learning about new cultures. And, eventually find someone who is in sync with me. I’m sure it’ll happen.

But, this morning, after he heard my emphatic response, he literally begged me to consider marriage. “It isn’t what it looks like,” is something he added to his pleas in a weepy voice. Sure, I am not aware of his side of the story, but, tell me, which child likes to see his mother being disrespected, humiliated, and beaten almost everyday? Which child likes to be blamed for his dad’s failures? I don’t care of his side of the story!

For holding such extreme views, should I be subjected to verbal abuse? So, I started to leave. When I was about to open the door, he told me, “You won’t find me in this world, when you return.”

I left anyway.

I don’t wanna go home.

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Good Night!

Two hours past midnight.

Don’t wanna remove the headphones from my ear. I’ll hear the voices in my head otherwise. They scare me. Make me cry. The words of the songs keep my mind distracted.

The silence of the night is eerie. And ruthless. It makes me restless, anxious. For, the day wasn’t satisfactory I want to do things I had wanted to do but didn’t. I want to do more; something that calms me down. I need safety; a s surance that it’s ok. That its gonna be fine.

I get out of the bed once before finally deciding to give in to physical exhaustion, to look out of the window. Are people awake too? Am I the only one awake at this hour? Oh, phew! I’m not alone. 🙂 I can sleep peacefully now.