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Awful, Breathtaking Life

I am on anti-depressants. They don’t allow me to think or worry excessively, and I get good sleep as soon as I land up in bed. But, tonight’s different.

I’m up and sleep is nowhere near me. I’m not able to understand a thing that’s going on in my head. What I know is that life, now onward, is not going to be the same.

The life I knew last couple of years has ended. I don’t know what’s in store for me. It’s a good thing I’m on anti-depressants as I’m not as low as I would’ve been without them.

Life in the past few years was beautiful. I had been with the most amazing guy in the world; he had treated with nothing but respect and utmost patience. With his help I got rid of several of my fears and embraced life for how it is. However, that just wasn’t enough for me. With time I lost that connection with him and now we are apart.

I let him go because I don’t feel the thing with him anymore. I know that because I feel those things with another guy who is completely wrong for me.

He loved me with all his heart, cherished me for who I was in spite of the fact that I’m damaged goods. He changed my perception of men; that men are good people. And since I have been a victim of sexual abuse, his love helped me shape my mindset drastically. Human touch is still an alien concept for me, but it now doesn’t seem that unattainable.

However, I feel it’s time for me to grow, live my life, meet new men, take more risks, become more practical even thought I’m desperately seeking love and a strong lasting passionate bond, & learn to believe in my instincts.

I have a positive outlook right now. It may not last after I’m taken off the meds. I don’t know how it works. Who knows if this is the real me or the one who I was without them. So much to figure out!

So, at the end of the day, I’m left all alone. I’m neither here, nor there. All alone.

As I said, life’s changing.

I am 30. Friends are settled in their careers. Some are getting married. Some of them even have kids. And I… I don’t even know who I am, let alone living a healthy, normal life.

It’s a lonely road, but I’ll walk it.

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Do you think I have made the wrong decision? Please do leave me your thoughts in the comments below.

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