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A Letter to You

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Like every Monday, I’ll go back to work tomorrow, and lose myself to futile mundane corporate slavery. Only this time it won’t seem such a burden. I expect that it’ll take my mind off you.

I won’t miss you as much as I would miss having someone to talk to and share every little thing that makes up my waking life. The pain of not being able to share what’s inside you is more painful than the pain there was in the first place. So, yes, it’ll be painful as we are on a break.

I cheated on you. You have all the rights to be angry. Be angry. Don’t pretend to be OK with everything. Because you clearly are not. Nobody would be. Ideally, a person cheated on would break up and move on, but you have decided to stay back and torture me by making me feel alone and lonely in spite of being together (even though it’s subconscious). That’s the worst kind.

I get that you don’t want to understand why I cheated on you, but you’ll have to try to, because I was suffering from depression, the kind that makes you wanna die or take dire steps to feel better. That was a time when I was desperate for some love and care. I had bloody gone through jaundice without any one taking care of me. I was desperate to feel cared for, loved, and wanted. And, where we’re you then? Dealing with your own problems by keeping me at bay?

Well, Deal with this: I dealt with my own problems by finding love outside. I was not in love with you at all when I decided it was ok to drift apart.

You have problems. I have nothing but respected that and given you all the space you needed. But this time you took my strength of coping with my problems for granted.

If physical infidelity is a crime, then so should emotional unavailability be.

You can’t throttle my attempts at wanting to feel alive again by comparing me with you who is under the illusion that everything is ok, and that no help is needed.

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my life.

I admit I’m a liar. I lied to you about the cheating and I have lied to the readers about the facts in my last post.

I was already in a dead relationship when I met this guy I had a crush on since kindergarten. This guy turned out bad for me, even though the experience I got was invaluable.

Earlier I was naïve about the world, people and relationships. Now, I know better.

Point is, now I know.

I know from my experience, and not from someone’s condescending lecture on how I should be careful and what I should expect from people.

And I’m proud of that.

I do regret the lying and the cheating, but I do not regret the experience and the lessons it taught me.

Why regret? What is life if not one big risky experiment?

In spite of everything, I shouldn’t have lied to you.

Sorry.

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  1. Pingback: One of a Kind Relationship | Moods & Musings

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