The Vicious Cycle of My Life


People are interested in me, perhaps for the way I look. They want to know what is it that makes me. So they try to hang out with me, tease me, ask me questions, make me talk, stare at me observing the way I speak and act.

To be honest, at first I get nervous and clam up. But then I realize, this is the time to socialize since I always complain about being alone and all. So I start opening up. I tell them what is it they want to know. I reply to their questions without holding back.

But at the same time, I’m nervous inside. My insides are in a turmoil. My heart’s racing faster. Perhaps it’s called anxiety.

And if it’s a girl showing friendly interest, my first instinct is to run away from there. But I show some courage, stand my ground and talk. Nonetheless, I somehow end up screwing up the mood of that conversation because she empirically presumes that I am boring and weird, and loses interest.

When the conversation stretches long, the anxiety crosses bearable levels. It is then that I look for chances to excuse myself from the conversation and get on with something that requires me to be alone. Hence, I check my inbox, and find something productive to do that would make me look busy and occupied. When they see me busy, they stop bothering me and direct their attention elsewhere.

In spite of that, I miss being the center of attention. If not that, then I just feel happy being accepted, accepted as a part of a group.

In summary, if I’m among people for long, they lose interest in me because of my awkwardness or weirdness. The result is that I end up being alone.

So basically that makes me a loner. That makes me who I am. I wonder that if I weren’t like this, then how else would I have gained such insights. Does one need such insights?

My loner persona is what draws people to me, and then the same things repeat. It’s a vicious cycle.