Staying positive is exhausting. Why shouldn’t I give in to what comes naturally to me? Isn’t it easy to be that way?
I mean, why should I tell myself that everything will be all right when nothing will ever be, because it doesn’t appear to me that my sick dad would have a change of heart all of a sudden one day, and that my childhood scars will be miraculously healed.
I don’t see my broken family becoming normal any time soon. I don’t see my schizophrenic mom getting cured of her illness. My brother, who is more messed up than I am, shows no signs of falling back into line. He doesn’t even realize that something is wrong; leave alone normalizing.
My boyfriend, who is suffering from this heart condition, is escaping a solution. But, I don’t want to blame him for that. What he doesn’t realize is that it’s affecting me. Why would he? I cheated on him after all, which is proof enough that I don’t care about him, right?
I’ve been off anti-depressants for the past one week, and this is how I feel now-a-days.
I can’t talk without stammering. I am always in my head, thinking about things that wouldn’t matter otherwise. Being alone with a woman gives me anxiety. Talking to cute guys, makes me act weird. I don’t want to get out of bed every morning. When I do manage to get out, I’m late for work.
I want attention, affection, care, understanding… I wish I could do desperate things to get what I want; things like acting on my infatuation for this cute guy in my office. I wish I could act weird and just blurt out the feelings inside. I wish I could openly talk about the problems I’m facing all alone and scare the people around. But, no. I suppress those instincts. Why should I lower my dignity in my own eyes? I suppress talking about it, because if I do, I run the risk of exposing my real self, the self that’s ridden with fears and ugly insecurities; the self that’s completely the opposite of what I appear to be: calm & dignified. Why should I do that and lose whatever superficial friends I have? Why should I act like an attention whore, who’s got issues? Why should I make a fool out of myself?
I’m already too stressed out to think positively. You see, I have to take care of how people perceive me, because if I don’t, then the definition me that I project, will change. The truth about my personality will come out and people will see how I am inside. They will see the real me. I will see myself in their eyes; I will see that I’m not this smart, pretty, handsome woman that I used to think I was, even though it was only a facade. I will see myself as I am.
And it would not be a pretty sight.