I shouldn’t be left alone with my thoughts, esp. not when I’ve had a bad day. Actually it wasn’t a bad day. All days seen bad to me in this phase I am. It’s a phase of no psychiatric meds. None for at least a month.
I started my day reading about 2 articles: one, on being in toxic relationships, and two, about having toxic parents. I fit in both of these categories. The first one was an eye opener, because I realised that I am toxic to a relationship, just the way my parents are toxic for me.
I had made life hell for my boyfriend, and he still stuck with me. I judge him for that, which I shouldn’t because I have been stuck in a toxic relationship with my parents for a long time now, and I’m not making attempts to get out of it. What does that say about me?
There’s this guy in my office. It was his parents’ marriage anniversary today. He had come to office for an hour only, because his plans were to take a leave and celebrate the occasion. When I heard what was on the day’s agenda, my eyes grew wide with surprise.
Plans were to arrange for a beautiful second marriage ceremony. They were to go through the wedding rituals all over again!
This may not be out of the blue for other people, but it is for me. I couldn’t help but wonder, what is it like to be that happy?
What is it like to be that healthy, emotionally and psychologically?
I guess, I’ll never know. Or, maybe I will. I want to.
The afternoon passed in sleepy, dull, lifeless moments coupled with weakness and bad health.
By the end of the day, I was sure that people only see me as a subject of study, rather than a person with feelings, who needs a shoulder to cry rather than their prying judgemental eyes. And that was heart heartbreaking.
I’m crying myself to sleep tonight.
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