The first few weeks after a break-up are the worst. The pain is unbearable. So you try everything within your power to bury that pain with distractions.
A relationship, or the feeling of love, is nothing but a chemical imbalance in your brain. As long as the relationship is present, there is a sufficient amount of chemicals inside your mind to keep you going. Your partner is your support system. But when the support is taken away, you fall. The chemical supply in the brain stops. You go into withdrawal. Symptoms start to show.
What I’m going through is fear, panic, loss of appetite, insomnia, emptiness, rage, loneliness, depression, irrational thoughts, distorted thoughts, and feelings of being powerless.
The most powerful of all the symptoms showing on me is denial. I deny being unhappy. I mask unhappiness by my heightened interest in movies, chocolates & ice creams, sleep, younger guys (because, of course, single guys my age are rare), and solitude.
Flirting makes me feel great. To be precise, the idea of being in a relationship all over again, feels great. I feel like the chemicals are back in my brain. But when I see that they only perceive me as some poor girl who needs attention, I sober up and come to my senses. I realize that flirting for fun or flings would eventually leave me more empty. That realization brings rushing back all the pain of loneliness.
I know I should grieve and mourn, cry and talk about the six year long relationship with someone but all the other not-recommended stuff seems easier to go back to. And since people around me are only curious and not interested in me as a human being, finding empathy in them is like a far-fetched idea. So I keep everything inside and keep going. I guess time will heal all wounds.
Or maybe the wounds would just go sore.
Maybe, this time I’ll ask for a stronger dose of antidepressants. Meds are my support system now. Kudos to the one who invented them.
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