100 Days Without Anti-Depressants

I am hungry. It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I am hungry. It’s not that my stomach is asking for food. It’s just that I want to feel better. And, at times, food is the shortest way to do it.

Lately I have been hogging on food a lot. A couple hours after having eaten something, I start feeling low again. So, I want to eat again. And, I don’t crave for healthy food. I want junk food. ‘Comfort food’ is probably the right word here.

My weight has increased drastically in the last couple of days. When I compared my current weight with that which was 2 weeks back, I decided to get my thyroid checked immediately. It came out normal. What has gone wrong then?

Oh, and ya, I am awake. At 4 am. My sleep patterns have been erratic these days. Some nights I don’t sleep at all. In the morning when its time to get ready for work, I decide to get some “rest” for just an hour or so, which never happens. I always end up sleeping in until it’s too late. Somehow, I get better sleep in the morning. I don’t know why. Also, I wonder if I’m on the road to becoming an insomniac.

I want my roommate to stay up with me. When she falls asleep before I do, loneliness sets in and I begin thinking of myself as a someone who would have to spend all her nights alone like this.

The muscles in my legs have been hurting too much for a few days now. Additionally, I am always lethargic and out of stamina to do anything. I just want to eat and sleep. When its evening, I start feeling better and more alive than I am the entire day. That’s the time I want to do something, like doing something creative or getting out of the house for a cuppa coffee or just some fresh air. Perhaps, that explains the erratic sleep patterns.

I have trouble focusing. I can’t concentrate AT ALL. I have been trying to read this 565-page book for the last two or three weeks now and all I have completed is 190 pages. At first, the pace was slow but steady. Then the pace got broken: I could read chunks of the book but once the concentration was broken I couldn’t go back to it. At present, I can only read a few sentences and that too without learning what I read. I mean my eyes read the words, but my brain is not able to understand it. So, then I go back to reading the sentence again until I have grasped what is being conveyed.

These major changes have only occurred only in the last few days. Probably, since I stopped taking the anti-depressants, which was 12 days back.

It’s common for people to face strong side effects from taking anti-depressants. 12 days back I was going through them severely. My muscles got stiff and my bodily movements were limited by this stiffness. This coupled with other minor side effects got me thinking: Is it better to go through such suffering and continue to take the meds that make you dependent on them to live a healthy life?

Maybe what I am going through right now is the withdrawal of these meds. But, that doesn’t justify why I should lean on them for living a happy life? Isn’t happiness overrated? I mean who here is absolutely happy? Some just pretend better. I don’t. That’s perhaps the only difference between other people and me.

In the past few days I have realized that I have completely forgotten how to live. Till now the meds were keeping my natural tendencies suppressed. I had stopped putting efforts to learn how to live in and deal with the world that’s twisted. On second thoughts, why do we need to change ourselves because the world is twisted? Isn’t that the world’s problem? Anyway, that’s a different debate altogether for another time.

Probably, what I need to learn is to live with my fears and insecurities and let time do the healing. Hence, I have chosen to stop taking the anti-depressants for 100 days and see if I can get back on my feet without them. I will heavily reply on the people close to me for support and kind words. It will be a struggle everyday just to think straight and remain level headed. I just hope I don’t lose my job in the meanwhile.

Today is the 12th day. 88 more days to go.

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Things I want

I want a lot of things from life.

I want one person who I can talk to anytime I want, whenever I want, and whatever I want. Someone who listens to all my jibber jabber thinking “Aww… she is so adorable even with all that BS.”

I want that person, who puts up with my annoying snores, to be snuggled up in my bed every night. When I wake up I want to begin my day by cuddling him in bed and telling him how well I slept.

While getting ready for work, I want to irritate him with my incessant questioning about which dress wouldn’t make me look fat.

On reaching office I want to inform him of having reached safely and wish him a good day at work.

When my boss yells at me, I want to call him, cry, and bitch about my boss.

During lunch, I want to ask him if he has eaten of not. Of course, he would’ve. But I still want to do that because that’s my pretext for indirectly telling him that I’m feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people.

I don’t want to be disturbed all afternoon because that’s the time I am in full on work mode. I want him to call me at 6 to ask when I would be leaving for home. I want to call him after I leave from office and tell him how my day was.

On reaching home I simply want to run into him and bury myself in his arms as if his arms were my escape; a shield to protect me from all that is bad in the world. I want us to just be, listen to each other’s silence, feel his warmth, be thankful for his breathing, and meditate on his heart beat.

I want him to smile while I am wrapped up in his arms.

I want to cook him a lovely dinner and watch him eat it while he animately tells me about his day.

I want to just lay listlessly on his lap and watch him engrossed in some boring cricket match on TV.

I want to read a book lying on his tummy while he plays with my hair and does some reading of his own with his other hand.

And when I fall asleep, I want him to pick me up, put me to bed, kiss me good night, and whisper ‘Sweet Dreams!’ in my ear.

I want my day to end with a smile.

That’s all I want.

Not Anymore.

I’m not scared of being single anymore.

One of the best things about being in the 30s is that you become wiser and calm. You are no more restless. Insecurities about the future start to disappear because it dawns upon you that things will never be served to you on a silver platter; you will have to work for what you want, and the more you work, the better you gain.

But, the most important of all the things that you realize is that there is more to life than love. There is more to life than waiting for someone who may or may not be with you throughout.

I’m like a train. I pass through many places. I halt at some junctions; sometimes longer at some junctions. New people find a way into my heart (only if they’ve bought the ticket). They travel with me for different periods of time, and then get off. They leave a mark on my heart: some with love, and others with hurt. In spite of it, the train keeps going because that’s what it’s meant to do. It slows down in a crowded place, and picks up speed once it is out of the thick of it.

Being single is when you need to pick up the speed, because when someone leaves your hand, you get your hand back.

I have my hand back.

I am not afraid of being more.

A Letter to You

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Like every Monday, I’ll go back to work tomorrow, and lose myself to futile mundane corporate slavery. Only this time it won’t seem such a burden. I expect that it’ll take my mind off you.

I won’t miss you as much as I would miss having someone to talk to and share every little thing that makes up my waking life. The pain of not being able to share what’s inside you is more painful than the pain there was in the first place. So, yes, it’ll be painful as we are on a break.

I cheated on you. You have all the rights to be angry. Be angry. Don’t pretend to be OK with everything. Because you clearly are not. Nobody would be. Ideally, a person cheated on would break up and move on, but you have decided to stay back and torture me by making me feel alone and lonely in spite of being together (even though it’s subconscious). That’s the worst kind.

I get that you don’t want to understand why I cheated on you, but you’ll have to try to, because I was suffering from depression, the kind that makes you wanna die or take dire steps to feel better. That was a time when I was desperate for some love and care. I had bloody gone through jaundice without any one taking care of me. I was desperate to feel cared for, loved, and wanted. And, where we’re you then? Dealing with your own problems by keeping me at bay?

Well, Deal with this: I dealt with my own problems by finding love outside. I was not in love with you at all when I decided it was ok to drift apart.

You have problems. I have nothing but respected that and given you all the space you needed. But this time you took my strength of coping with my problems for granted.

If physical infidelity is a crime, then so should emotional unavailability be.

You can’t throttle my attempts at wanting to feel alive again by comparing me with you who is under the illusion that everything is ok, and that no help is needed.

Sorry for wanting to take charge of my life.

I admit I’m a liar. I lied to you about the cheating and I have lied to the readers about the facts in my last post.

I was already in a dead relationship when I met this guy I had a crush on since kindergarten. This guy turned out bad for me, even though the experience I got was invaluable.

Earlier I was naïve about the world, people and relationships. Now, I know better.

Point is, now I know.

I know from my experience, and not from someone’s condescending lecture on how I should be careful and what I should expect from people.

And I’m proud of that.

I do regret the lying and the cheating, but I do not regret the experience and the lessons it taught me.

Why regret? What is life if not one big risky experiment?

In spite of everything, I shouldn’t have lied to you.

Sorry.

Awful, Breathtaking Life

I am on anti-depressants. They don’t allow me to think or worry excessively, and I get good sleep as soon as I land up in bed. But, tonight’s different.

I’m up and sleep is nowhere near me. I’m not able to understand a thing that’s going on in my head. What I know is that life, now onward, is not going to be the same.

The life I knew last couple of years has ended. I don’t know what’s in store for me. It’s a good thing I’m on anti-depressants as I’m not as low as I would’ve been without them.

Life in the past few years was beautiful. I had been with the most amazing guy in the world; he had treated with nothing but respect and utmost patience. With his help I got rid of several of my fears and embraced life for how it is. However, that just wasn’t enough for me. With time I lost that connection with him and now we are apart.

I let him go because I don’t feel the thing with him anymore. I know that because I feel those things with another guy who is completely wrong for me.

He loved me with all his heart, cherished me for who I was in spite of the fact that I’m damaged goods. He changed my perception of men; that men are good people. And since I have been a victim of sexual abuse, his love helped me shape my mindset drastically. Human touch is still an alien concept for me, but it now doesn’t seem that unattainable.

However, I feel it’s time for me to grow, live my life, meet new men, take more risks, become more practical even thought I’m desperately seeking love and a strong lasting passionate bond, & learn to believe in my instincts.

I have a positive outlook right now. It may not last after I’m taken off the meds. I don’t know how it works. Who knows if this is the real me or the one who I was without them. So much to figure out!

So, at the end of the day, I’m left all alone. I’m neither here, nor there. All alone.

As I said, life’s changing.

I am 30. Friends are settled in their careers. Some are getting married. Some of them even have kids. And I… I don’t even know who I am, let alone living a healthy, normal life.

It’s a lonely road, but I’ll walk it.

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Do you think I have made the wrong decision? Please do leave me your thoughts in the comments below.

My Book

We all know that life is a learning process. In our lifetimes, we explore multiple facets of life through various experiences. One way of uncovering the mysteries and wonders of life is reading.

A book is a great reserve of amazing information. You can sit in a cozy recliner with a cuppa coffee, read all day, and travel the world at the same time. Books open a window to the unknown; we learn about places we have never seen, or never imagined they existed; we learn about people, and how good, bad, mysterious, wonderful, unique, and eccentric they can be; we learn about different situations, and their complexities.

Out of all these interesting books, there are a few you absolutely fall in love with. These are the books you bond with easily, because they tell stories you connect with in an instant. You feel like revisiting a story and its characters again and again, and every time you read the book, you discover a new dimension to it. You are purged with all kinds of emotions that appeal to you. You are so intrigued with the plot and characters that even after the book has ended, you feel like there was something more to it that you missed. Only a great book can result into an impact of that magnitude.

I believe there is one such book for everyone. One book that we want to know more about. It appeals to us so deeply, that we feel a special kinship with it.

I guess I have found that book.

The book I am reading is like some of the good books in the world – difficult to decipher, yet have a sublime effect on the reader. But it is only after a rigorous study that we can decipher these books.

A rigorous study demands patience. And after all the efforts of having tried, I feel my interest in it is losing steam. Maybe because my book is going through a phase I am not able to relate to. How could it be my book then? And if it’s not, then why am I still reading it?

Or, perhaps I give up too soon.

Either ways, if there’s anything that needs to be changed, then it’s my attitude.

The Process

Letting go is easy, and it definitely is. But, moving on… moving on is certainly the tough part.

Visualizing and creating a new future in our minds, and in turn rekindling the hope of a new life, contrary to what was before we let go of an old pattern, takes time.

This is the part of life when we call ourselves broken.

This is the phase when we are healing.

Although we become laid back in this phase, yet we heal. Time heals for sure.

If we have good friends for company, we heal faster and better.

But we heal.

Moving on, thus, is a process.

It’s the seemingly sluggish pace of the process that wants us to go back and reconnect with the past.