100 Days Without Anti-Depressants

I am hungry. It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I am hungry. It’s not that my stomach is asking for food. It’s just that I want to feel better. And, at times, food is the shortest way to do it.

Lately I have been hogging on food a lot. A couple hours after having eaten something, I start feeling low again. So, I want to eat again. And, I don’t crave for healthy food. I want junk food. ‘Comfort food’ is probably the right word here.

My weight has increased drastically in the last couple of days. When I compared my current weight with that which was 2 weeks back, I decided to get my thyroid checked immediately. It came out normal. What has gone wrong then?

Oh, and ya, I am awake. At 4 am. My sleep patterns have been erratic these days. Some nights I don’t sleep at all. In the morning when its time to get ready for work, I decide to get some “rest” for just an hour or so, which never happens. I always end up sleeping in until it’s too late. Somehow, I get better sleep in the morning. I don’t know why. Also, I wonder if I’m on the road to becoming an insomniac.

I want my roommate to stay up with me. When she falls asleep before I do, loneliness sets in and I begin thinking of myself as a someone who would have to spend all her nights alone like this.

The muscles in my legs have been hurting too much for a few days now. Additionally, I am always lethargic and out of stamina to do anything. I just want to eat and sleep. When its evening, I start feeling better and more alive than I am the entire day. That’s the time I want to do something, like doing something creative or getting out of the house for a cuppa coffee or just some fresh air. Perhaps, that explains the erratic sleep patterns.

I have trouble focusing. I can’t concentrate AT ALL. I have been trying to read this 565-page book for the last two or three weeks now and all I have completed is 190 pages. At first, the pace was slow but steady. Then the pace got broken: I could read chunks of the book but once the concentration was broken I couldn’t go back to it. At present, I can only read a few sentences and that too without learning what I read. I mean my eyes read the words, but my brain is not able to understand it. So, then I go back to reading the sentence again until I have grasped what is being conveyed.

These major changes have only occurred only in the last few days. Probably, since I stopped taking the anti-depressants, which was 12 days back.

It’s common for people to face strong side effects from taking anti-depressants. 12 days back I was going through them severely. My muscles got stiff and my bodily movements were limited by this stiffness. This coupled with other minor side effects got me thinking: Is it better to go through such suffering and continue to take the meds that make you dependent on them to live a healthy life?

Maybe what I am going through right now is the withdrawal of these meds. But, that doesn’t justify why I should lean on them for living a happy life? Isn’t happiness overrated? I mean who here is absolutely happy? Some just pretend better. I don’t. That’s perhaps the only difference between other people and me.

In the past few days I have realized that I have completely forgotten how to live. Till now the meds were keeping my natural tendencies suppressed. I had stopped putting efforts to learn how to live in and deal with the world that’s twisted. On second thoughts, why do we need to change ourselves because the world is twisted? Isn’t that the world’s problem? Anyway, that’s a different debate altogether for another time.

Probably, what I need to learn is to live with my fears and insecurities and let time do the healing. Hence, I have chosen to stop taking the anti-depressants for 100 days and see if I can get back on my feet without them. I will heavily reply on the people close to me for support and kind words. It will be a struggle everyday just to think straight and remain level headed. I just hope I don’t lose my job in the meanwhile.

Today is the 12th day. 88 more days to go.

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The Wait

Dramatic emotional ups and downs lead to an unbalanced mind. You may think that’s not always true, but you aren’t the person without a job; your parents aren’t jobless; your health, both mental and physical, is perfectly fine.

Yes, I am lonely.

And lost. Literally. I have no control over my life. Although a small voice inside wants me to take control, yet I decide to live in this depressed moment, and just be; allow my mind to just exist with all the turmoil, tuning every single external being out.

And now, in this solitude, I wish to live.

I wish to live a stress-free life.

The pressures of earning your dignity, of being a nice human being, a good daughter, of looking pretty all the time, of preserving your innocence from manipulative minds, of motivating the soul to carry on…. and I am worrying again now.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot get away from these worries because they come as a by-product of the awful process called ‘growing up’.

In this condition, in spite of knowing the know-how of life, you wait. You wait for an inspiration to wake you up from the slumber, from the rust. You wait for a few approving words. You wait for yourself.

Until then, it’s the abyss to keep you company.